World's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in

I am tired.

I'm so tired of all of this.



And I just cant help it anymore.

My complete lack of enthusiasm ceases to amaze me everyday.

I'm locked up in my own glass container at all times. FULL of thought and yet I find myself shutting the people I find most dear to me out. Look at me..  look closely. At any moment I'm gazing off into the distance.. most times right past you. What's on my mind? Everything. What would I tell you? Nothing.

March marks two years..
Two full years of feeling this way.
I don't know many people that can keep themselves locked up for as long as I have. Where is my breaking point? That day is going to be a hell of a trip.
There are a million thoughts and questions going through my head.. I want someone to share them with. But who do I reach out to with my complexities?
I've never been one to cry. Just the act annoys the shit out of me.
But I feel like I could burst into tears every moment.

I never write in here. I don't want to see these thoughts in front of me.
I am considering deleting this entry entirely. But maybe I should read them. Confront them.


..then again maybe I shouldn't.

I could never express to anyone the hope that Jim Adkins' voice instills in me.

It wouldn't matter, because you wouldn't ever feel the way I do when I listen to them, but their music means a lot to me.

I don't even care about music anymore. I stopped trying to run the "I am more cultured and know better music than you do/ have you heard this completely brand new song by a band I know you haven't heard of" race. I don't care. It's a personal thing. If I like it, I listen to it. I just am not going out of my way and haven't for almost a year now.

I tell myself that I don't need public approval because I like what I draw, but recognition never hurt anyone either.

- - - - - - - - -

Nobody [exempt one person who I've been talking to alot] can talk to me without pissing me off lately because I can see right through what they're saying. I hate myself for it. I wish I could just listen to what someone had to say and accept it for truth, but I just see all of their ulterior motives or messages between the lines. Probably at times when there's nothing more there to see.

I feel like this is pointless again.

I'm slipping into lustful fervor or chaotic, emerald effervescent. 

- - - - - - - - -
how to get along with me:

be direct and clear.
listen to me carefully.
don't judge me for my anxiety.
work things through with me.
reassure me that everything is OK between us.
laugh and make jokes with me.
gently push me toward new experiences.
try not to overreact to my overreacting. 

- - - - - - - - - 
daisies are wonderful....

I don't know why I stopped documenting my life here. I think maybe, finally, my life started happening out in the real world with real people. I think maybe events started happening not for the sake of documentation and I wanted to respect that.

I do know that I don't feel like sorting through this data to report on a life I'm finally living. Not right now anyways.

Things have been. Simply, they've just been. There's no other analyzation for them from me right now.

I do know however, that this era of good feelings will eventually come to an end. Then, I'll need to sit down and record all of the diamond-time I've been spending. I'll need to record then, how beautiful life was now. I'll need to record it then so I won't forget to have hope in the world. 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Redemption for the star-crossed, ill-fated or tragic:
This is the hour we stop gathering flowers.

This is the pensively, downcast journey back indoors,

Where we're left to reflect on the bouqets we built and made.

We must not forget; there are gardens left to tread.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I bond best with musicians.

The recurrence of my compatibility with the intensely passionate is evident here. I don't usually bond with writers.

so, my thesis went over well 20 days till last class. hell yeah
im soooooo looking forward to this summer.


im having a fun time being single, but i want to date more. wish there were more fun guys that lived around here.

I'm obsessed with ''first impressions of earth''
I love the strokes
god yeah I do.

'playground love' by Air. go listen to it as well.

I thought of you today, and last night.. wow. (of course you know who you are)

Rough draft is due tuesday, I haven't even started my essay. I think I need to get to that at some point in time.

I wrote this in class while i was bored today, would like to share it:

Rather than having a normal attitude towards life, with a smooth ride and occasional bumps in the road, I live my life inside a bubble. I don't really have any sort of particular liking for bubbles, people are just made the way they are. Some of you ride in boats that occasionally spring a leak, others are riding on a bumpy bus that sometimes loses a tire. My universe decided on a bubble.

I tend to live in relatively large bubbles, though at times it will vary. Sometimes I willingly let you cross through the soapy wall and live with me for a while. Other times I burn you if you even consider it. My reasoning for that is because, from time to time my bubble will, in fact, burst. Rarely does it burst from someone popping it, or it going off track and bumping into something (note that I said 'rarely', not 'never'). The only reasoning for the sudden pop and drop that I can make my brain accept is that my bubble bursts because I let too many of you in and my bubble can't float much higher whilst so full of people. People that make me happy. And there in lies the problem.

See the happier I am, the higher my bubble floats. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because along with causing me to float higher, my happiness also causes the bubble to become stronger. I like when my bubble is strong. I also like being happy, so you'd think there was no real problem there, except...WRONG. Because I tend to draw crowds, not because I'm anything spectacular to see, but because my happiness, a lot of times, wanes on going out and being with my friends, and in order for me to do that I have to let them into my bubble. This is where the trouble begins, because I get so caught up in being happy with everyone, and I make so many friends that I can't possibly deny anyones entry. The big BL(aka bubble land) is the place to be. But then someone comes in that I don't know, and somehow they fight through all the crowd of fun and happiness, and manage to get straight to me and steal my happy box. I keep my happy box in my secret happy place, which remains a secret for obvious reasons. Once my happy place was no secret, and my happy box could rest easily, anywhere I pleased, but now I have to keep it hidden and secret because I've lost much faith and trust in the human race since those days. Sometimes in the midst of all the fun I'll tell someone, or more than one someone, about my happy place and my happy box. Sometimes they stay true, and keep it a secret, sometimes they use it to their advantage. Once they steal my happy box, my bubble begins to lose it's strength. There's a lot of ways to go on being happy even without a happy box, and usually I can, but that doesn't mean things won't change for the worse. Because see, even if I'm still happy...without my happy box, I just can't provide enough happiness for my bubble to stay as strong as it needs to be, and people keep coming in. Soon my bubble is dangerously full, and I feel alone, and stretched without my happy box, and I start feeling sad and angry. Mainly towards whoever it was that gained my trust and then decided to venture to my happy place and steal my happy box, which I'm sure they open straight away and absorb all my hard earned happiness for themselves. By this time My bubble is too full, and my happiness is decreasing too quickly, and my bubble can't take it so it collapses. Then I blame all of you for bombarding into my personal universe and toying with my emotions. Of course I never really get much of a chance to get mad at you over it, what with all the falling, mind you I'm generally a good mile or two into the sky at the point of burstation.

In reality I know that's really not the reason my bubble bursts, but in The big BL my little bubble brain tells me that it's your fault that my bubble burst, and it's your fault that I'm now falling from whatever height you managed to bring me to. The real reason for my falling is ususally because things just get too good, or in other words my bubble floats too high.

Most of you know about this thing that our planet earth has, called an atmosphere. I like to call him Mr A. Mr A. has one main purpose, and that's to keep the things on earth...on earth, and the things from space...in space. Sometimes things go a little too high in the sky and, though he doesn't want to, Mr. A has to stop it. Which wouldn't be so bad if stopping things from coming in and out didn't cause a lot of collapsing, and combusting, and exploding, and burning, and squirting. All sorts of uncomfortable things.

Once it bursts, I fall for a while, sometimes I manage to form another bubble before I hit the ground. Sometimes I don't.

I use the term "sometimes" loosely because this happens quite often. It's more of a routine than anything else, ususally things go well for a good 3 or 4 months, then I fall for a couple of weeks.

The falling period is always my least favorite part, because during the falling I'm still a little mad about the bursting, and I feel pretty drained from lack of happy box, so I start doing stupid things to get happy fast. I'm sure you all can imagine what sort of idiotic things a person can do to make themselves happy in a short amount of time. Sometimes my dumb little happy poppers will work, and I'll realize I don't need them and somehow manage to blow up another bubble before I hit the ground. Othertimes, I get a little too caught up in the easiness of instant happiness, and I hit the ground with an uncomfortable soapy thud.

For a while I was just fine with this stupid routine, because 3/4th's of the time I was happy and floating.

But now I need more than a dumb routine and 3 weeks of falling for it.

This time I fell, and I just sat there on the ground in a terribly uncomfortable position I seemed to have landed in. I fell sometime last month or so, and just hit the ground a few weeks ago. My instant happiness got the best of me, but this time I'm tried something new. I waited a while before I blew up my bubble again.

I needed time to think without emotion, because see once I hit the ground I have no happiness at all. No sadness either. No emotion at all really, and that's the best time for a person to think. When there's no emotion involved in the decision, just pure logic. After all, when it comes to decision you need only logic. Emotion doesn't require any logic at all, so sometimes it's better to have no emotion when it comes to serious decision making. After a week or two on the ground walking around with the rest of the zombie-like/emotionless population I thought of something new.

Why not find someone to come with me the next time I blew my bubble up ( and bought a new happy box at the happy box store on 3rd ave) that way when I started to get down this person could cheer me up, or give me a hug, or kiss me sometimes just to add a little happiness into my little happy box, which I would surely share with them, especially if I intended them to go on such a long journey with me. See my plan is to make it off of planet earth and out into the REAL universe. I believe it's possible as long as I can stay happy long enough to reach the edge of Mr A's territory, because as you may remember, the happier the stronger. So just MAYBE once I'd found the right person to come with me on my journey we'd be able to combine our happiness and be strong enough to make it past good ol' Mr A. Of course if we don't the bubble will in fact, collapse, and both our heads will explode. Only downside. This person of course would have to be PERFECT. Especially since this would be an expedition for just us two, and they'd have to have the personality and will power to keep me satisfied and happy enough to keep the bubble floating and growing strong, steadily. This person would have to be able to make me happier than ALL my friends combined (because obviously my bubble tends to burst when my friends are around).

So I interviewed many many many worthy candidates and even started a bubble with a few of them, but then something would always go horribly wrong during the beginning of the flight and I'd have to come back down and keep up the search. After all the person had to be perfect for the job, I'm not looking to have a pancaked head anytime soon.

Eventually I found a few more qualified participants, and decided to pick the best of them to go. Soon it was down to two. It stayed there for a while. Over time each of the participants would grow more and more qualified, until it got to the point that I was looking strictly at statistics and not at how the person made me feel. Then one day participant number two bombed a very important part of his training, he didn't know how to make me happy. This of course was 3/4ths of his grade, the other 1/4th was just to see whether or not I could stand to spend a long span of time with either of the two without pancaking their heads myself.

That left me with participant number one, who seemed more and more perfect for the job as time went on. After all, I only need one other person with me on this adventure, the less people the less pressure, the less pressure the more growth, the more growth the more strength, and with just enough bubble strength and height, my goal coul dbe accomplished. This brings us to present day.

My story ends somewhere between a trip to the happy box shop and making our way to blowing up another bubble. I'm gathering happiness all the way.



Where the story ends, the transition begins.

so what did you think?..


..The only problem is, I haven't actually found that perfect person, it went from reality to fantasy at that point.

aww ..im all happy and shit lol

pelvis

just call me.. Ms. Fonzie

k so apparently you cant update with more than one picture at a time.. so.. that sucks but here we go
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/TimeIndex/performance011.jpg/> Aww look at me all happy and shit..

sometimes I feel pretty.. hah.. but then sometimes I don't.

I just thought up some general things.. that most people wouldn't find enjoyable.. (or maybe they would [dun dun dunnn]).

Dancing like an irritated epileptic.
Being dryly sarcastic with my doctor and other equally important professionals of the public.
Eating at the hospital cafeteria.
Getting something for nothing or very little effort.
Pretending I'm smart. {I promise I sort of am.}

I wonder if this makes any sense:

I need a place to rest my head--
some chest of ribs weighted
with an anchor of lead.

The tumble-buzz of the laundry and the skin of a wrist--
a lukewarm quilt of patchwork desires,
yet a completed list.

So today.. ahh {sigh of relief}.. has come to a close.
I had a huge test over the cold war in my American History class today. I think I made some type of B. It was fucking hard. Poor Nixon he was such a paranoid little man [*does peace sign*]. My contemporary american author class was a bore as well, I didn't think you could read so many poems by fredrick douglas and emily dickinson in one day. Drove to Spring Hill, got some sambolis stromboli and piece of pizza. mmmm. delicious. got a call from Jenn to go hang out tonight at 'DECADES' in Nashville.. didn't really feel like it though, so, here I am. agh, I have to get up semi-early for work tomorrow anyway. I go through coffee withdraws when I dont work. Its starting to get annoying.
I'm in love with 'Heart in a cage'. Jules from The Strokes not only is flamming sexy, but also can make ya melt with his voice. very nice.
I need someone to talk to, gosh this place is so boring. I wish I still lived in my dorm. always something to do.

rawr damnit I want to get my eyebrow pierced.

I'm going to write some jumbled up nonsense and hope that it makes sense when i get through.

I don't feel like I'm one of those helpless girls, that needs a boyfriend to make her happy. I wish everyone would stop telling me that I am.

I smoked with brendan and elijah earlier the other day.. it was a nice relief of depression.

I haven't wanted to feel anything lately, and have been contemplating doing some drastic things.
When I think about those actions I feel like I'm losing my mind.

The recent events with caitlin have only furthered the efforts of my brain to give in to my wants of self distruction.

I want to move away.

Get my license
one day fill up my car
start driving
not knowing where Im headed and see how far I can get.

I want to be high.. right now.
be high above the floor.
maybe I'll start.
I have no want to joke around with brendan and elijah.
I want to be alone when I'm high.
Brendan said a while ago, the people that want to do bud alone, are the ones you should keep an eye on.
I want to be alone when I'm high.
I'm not even afraid for myself anymore. I have just accepted that I want to be alone right now.

I want to lay for a decade
become stale
let my eyes dry out
turning them into shiny hard marbles
and stare at my ceiling.

I want to lay on the surf
wait for the tide to pick me up
pulling me out to sea
as im floating looking at the stars
let the air from me and sink
just to see what it would feel like.

Sometimes I get worried about myself.
But these are just wants.
not needs.

There will probably be alot of useless babble in this entry. So If you dont want to read about what may be going on in my head at any given time. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. alright heregoes

First off, It has come to my attention that I absolutely hate cell-phones. Now after being a hypocrit (I have a cell-phone.) I dont use it. Its useless money just being put into a tiny machine that gets stuffed down at the bottem off my purse, or backpocket. If I ever even go out. I dont talk on it excessivly like some rude people. Then theres others that cant go into a store alone and not be on the phone. Actually they cant do any task known to man. Girls for example. If this particular type of girl goes into ohh I dunno Hollister alone. She would scan the area for any of her friends (who of course frequent the store) and if none are to be found she flips out the cell to call one and talk to her about every single thing thats happening in her life untill she leaves that store. Or heads to a checkout. Just today at the gas station I see a guy get out of his car. Just to call one of his friends while a pumps gas into his little jeep, and say "what?!" at the top of his lungs because he can't even hear his friend on the other end of the line.
there you have it. how much I am repulsed..

topic number 2
Expect me to vanish without a trace from this journal at some point in the next month, I am WAY to overly dependant on my computer for pretty much anything that has to do with the world outside of my room, and god damnit I used to not be like this. what the fuck went wrong?!

In the entrys I do post from this point on. I've decided I'm not going to whine. If I start to. anyone taht reads this has the right to kill me verbally in the comments area.

topic number 3
I think I need some new friends. Not that theres anything wrong with the people I hangout with/talk to all the time. I need to expand my horizons. I'm just getting tired of it all. I need to go out. meet some new people, and get a life really.

topic number 4
Costume for halloween. (yep I'm wearing one suckas)
John C reilly's outfit in the 'Cellophane Man' number in the movie Chicago, didn't like the movie that much, but the costume kicked ass.

topic number 5
I'm fucking going to bed. goodnight everyone

I've been living off of Trix cereal and some random cokes for the past three days. Oh what a beautiful thing.

Can't listen to come sail away anymore without thinking of the dance in The Virgin Suicides. They play this song after they announce prom king and queen.

I knew that the few days that I actually felt alive would fade. Everything back to its normal depressing, repulsive state. oh well, you take the good with the bad. Even so, whichever beastly quack came up with that one has never walked a mile in my shoes. The detestable side of my life happens a good 97% more than the delightful side. But I'll live.

I'm tired of the same thing. The same tedious jobs day in day out is getting to me. I wish I had something new and more stimulating than this drab.

I hope what they say is true though. I'm going to grow out of this. Only question is when.

I was getting bored with hurting myself
If you fall down enough, well soon enough, you will find hell
It can't be as… as pretty as we hoped it would be
It's not even warm here, not even ten degrees

A new day. Yes, tomorrow will be a new day. I hope, I would be all too welcoming if tomorrow on the news the entire nation stopped what they were doing to watch mr high and mighty (Bush) to announce that there is an asteroid headed for earth, too late.
We have 7 hours to live, use the time wisely because everyones going to die, he tells everyone "not to panic" but no one listens. No use in going underground. Its going to eliminate the entire earth. So use your time wisely.

What would I do with my time.. I'd open all the windows in the house. Turn my music on as high as it could go without blowing the speakers, set it to play every cd that I hold dear to my heart. I'd take my dog kobi up on the roof with me. lay out a blanket and just stare at the sky. stare and wait to look strait into what I've wanted to happen for such a prolonged time. I wouldn't be killing myself. I'd be there with one companion whos never faulterd. I'd lay back, and when the entire world screamed because they new this was it. They could see they're own death, and the terrified look on each others faces. I'd hug my dog tight, and smile.

Nothing at all really to say in this entry. But just leaving you with a small thought.

Friends are people who not only listen to you whine, but they also work small miracles whenever possible.

Alright! Is it really just me? Or Do PeOpLe ThAt TyPe LiKe ThIs NeEd To TaKe A hEaVy DoSe Of NaRcOtIcS??!?!!?!?!?!
If you do or at one point in time typed like the display above you need to notice that, that type of writing/typing is not only distasteful, when around me it is down right hazardous to your health. I seriously am considering I am the only person whos extremely annoyed by this, or you all are just not speaking up about the situation?

I'm at a loss. I feel obligated to post here of the things that have been spinning my world off of its axis, to continue to make an effort, to release some of this inner ... static, but instinctually, I'm lead away from my computer and away from people.

wow.. these people really know how to rip someones heart out then shove it back down they're throat.

Recently stumbled across on Sparta's homepage. Big Blue letters. "Sparta to open for Incubus." So after almost having a heart attack I click on the link. Then in even bigger Blue letters following.. "Sparta to open for Blink 182" blink fucking 182! So now after almost pissing my pants I scroll down to see.. They aren't coming NEAR (and by near I mean bordering states) for the opening of incubus. While busting a huge dream. I brush it off and scroll down to find out the blink 182 dates and places. GUESS FUCKING WHAT?!?! Its in Australia!... my week was just totally blown by those little facts.

Its over.. send it home.. Im finished.. Stick a fucking fork in me.

(  Mindless survey  )

I'm a monster, full of fault. I admit as much and as frequently as I breathe. I'm an abomination, the lowest of the low, a horrible, bad, bad person. And I repent, oft times more so than one would care to imagine. I'm a clot awaiting thinning, eventual removal. But I only see futility in picking at the scab, causing me to bleed. What great goal has been accomplished, now that I've been plucked at and bled? What more result could be hoped for than a scar and another soiled bandage to throw out with the rubbage?

I can apologize with intense sincerity for the wrongs that I choose to commit, but not those that have yet to be, nor moments where the problem lies within clarity. I'll continue to repent. I feel it's not contrition that is sought, but merely the bleeding that was already brought.

I'll close the door, it's something I can do. It's right for me.

My soul grows ill and bitter, and I simply wish to wave a hand and see certain aspects of my life disappear.

There is nothing quite as humbling... As hearing an old friend say, "Who? kelsey... who?"

Life has been exceptionally crazy, complete with an extra (heaping) helping of whacko. I've been so very close to slamming a few doors and turning away from those who had, at one time, been held very close to my heart. With little hesitation, I've been lied to and about, ignored, and mocked. Perhaps I wouldn't have been so emotionally wounded if I had expected these betrayals.

(  Not so random I guess  )